the call

Do you remember this post? I was feeling like God was calling me to do and be more.
Well, here's part 2 of the story...

If you are familiar with my other blog, you know Winkle did not come to us easily. I can honestly say that God's hand was evident throughout the process of wanting Winkle, conceiving Winkle, and delivering Winkle. I knew this was God's plan for our lives.

After I became pregnant with Winkle, I felt a gentle nudging (which I know to be the Holy Spirit) that God was going to continue me on a different journey of motherhood. I really felt called to adopt. Please let me assure you here that this HAD to be the Holy Spirit because this pregnancy did not offer any human desire to think of future children. I felt, though, this wasn't the time to approach Honey, as he would only brush it off as pregnancy hormones and too much time on my hands, because of bedrest, to ponder life's path.

~Fast forward to Winkle being days old~

The nudging began again...this call to adopt. Again, I knew this had to come from the Holy Spirit because nothing says birth control like breastfeeding a newborn, no sleep, and recuperating from a difficult delivery. I tried to ignore it and just gently brush it away, because I knew that if it was truly a call from God, He would have to give it to Honey, too...and well...Honey would have to bring up the conversation first so I KNOW this is God's call. By the way, I hope I'm not the only one who does God this way...the "well, if this is really from You, then You'll do this so I know" thing. Yeah, it's wrong...I know, but, come on...show me some love and don't leave me hanging...you do it, too, right?

~Anyway, now let's fast foward to Winkle being around 6 months old~

Man, my God is persistent. Which, by the way, I thank God for because He should've given up on me a loooooooong time ago. That same nudging is there, rearing it's head, only this time, I feel led to tell Honey...because now He's starting to give me direction. So, I told Honey my feeling led in this direction, my knowledge that He doesn't guide us in different directions since we are now one, and ask him to pray for 2 years (I have no idea why 2 years...I just felt led to 2 years) with an open mind to hear from Him.

So, about a month ago, Honey tells me he knows adoption is God's plan for our lives. The other day I saw him searching the internet about adoption. As I see God growing this desire inside my husband, it thrills me. I've been ready to see God move him, and not just me, and see God set us on the same path.

So, now is my time to come beside Honey, letting Honey lead this God-given plan with God's direction. We're praying about when & where to adopt. As we do, I look forward to seeing God continue to work. So, today, I'm thanking God that He is devouring our plan for ourselves, and setting us on a path that He's called us toward...together. Join me for Thankful Thursday.

So, in this memorial box I put a sermon from our pastor, that you can find here, that confirmed to my Honey our call to adopt.

when life throws me the question "why?"

I just recently heard news that someone I've known for many years is sick. Really sick. She's a private person, so it didn't surprise me that she's told no one. It did surprise me, though, that she never sought medical attention.

She's brilliant. Really. Some may not know that because she has such a type A personality, she's very introverted, and she absorbs herself in her work...in the medical profession. Which is why I know she knew and understood what was going on with her.

So many questions.
Why didn't she get help?

Why did she deny it when people asked?

Why would she choose death rather than life?

As I thought about all these things and the lady behind them, I thought about my King. There are so many questions in life that we will never know the answer to in this life. When I don't know the answers, I can look to the One who holds them all. Steadily keeping my eyes. Fixed. On. Him.

Living life with my eyes fixed on Him isn't easy. It's a struggle to not glare, much less glance, at my earthly circumstances, my own incapable feet, my multiple failures, or my expectations of how this life should be lived out. BUT PRAISE JESUS!!!!

Because when I take my eyes away from those things, and I fix my eyes on Him, He shows me His earthly walk, His capable feet, His triumphs within weak vessels, and His plan for how this life should be lived out. So, though I don't know the answers, I am thankful that this thing called faith in the Living God is devouring my view on life from an earthly perspective.

Thankful that I'm learning to trust Him more when life throws me the question "why"...as I join Thankful Thursday. As I do, would you join me here, too, to worship?


Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7

her lesson...my lesson

It's sometimes amusing to me how God works. I think He's teaching her a lesson, and then I realize, it's my lesson to be learned.

During our family devotion time, we read scripture, then the story for application, and then we take turns praying. Our scripture reading, story, and prayer time are taken in turns...allowing the entire family to participate..other than the 17 month old, of course.

None of this is done in an organized fashion, mind you. It's just someone saying, "I'll read tonight", and then "your turn to pray" kind of deal.

Our 7 year old hasn't taken her turn to pray in quite some time. In fact, even before our regular nights of family devotion, we would still pray together, and she would choose not to pray. She would continue to say, "I don't want to." or "I don't know what to say."

At first, I would accept her reply and pray out loud for us. Then, I began to say the prayer in small increments and allow her to repeat each word...hoping to teach her how to pray.

Her prayer life hasn't always been this stagnant. I know she knows how to pray, because she's done it in front of me before. Honestly, her prayer life would encourage me in times past...the honesty, true thankfulness of little details...they blessed my heart so much.

"Thank you, God, for shoes so I don't have to walk everywhere barefoot."

"Thank you, God, for my pillow so I can sleep on something soft at night."

This list would go on and on as she would think about each detail of her life as a blessing. But lately...she's at a loss for words.

Earlier this week during devotion, I was determined it would be her night to pray. She said her usual, "I don't know what to say" routine. I tried to encourage her but to no avail. I felt huge disappointment, frustration, and honestly, anger well up inside of me. You see, I realized at that moment, I can't make her pray.

Control. That's what I wanted. Now don't get me wrong, my motive isn't wrong...but my tight, white knuckled grip on the situation is. I want my children to know Christ at a young age, to choose His plan for their lives early on, to desire His purpose for them. But I'm realizing that's not my choice...it's beyond my control.

So, in that moment, we had a talk. My child, eyes now widened at the concern she heard in my tone and the words I chose, listened intently.

I will never make you pray. Mommy and Daddy hope you choose to talk to God, and when you do, you make Him happy. You can talk to God about anything...the same way you talk to mommy, daddy, and your friends. When you talk to your friends, you get to know them better, and you grow in your friendship. When you talk to Mommy and Daddy, we get to know each other better, and we grow closer together. It's the same way with God. When you choose to talk to God, you are making a decision to know Him better and grow in your relationship with Him. When you choose not to talk to God, you are making a decision to not grow in your relationship with Him. That's a decision you have to make, and it's not one that Mommy or Daddy can make for you. But each time you choose to not talk to Him, you need to understand what kind of decision that really is...you're choosing not to grow closer to Him.

After this talk, I prayed out loud. For her. For my 17 month old, and for my future children. That they would desire to know Him. They would choose Him. Because I'm realizing, my prayer life is the greatest power I have over this situation. My grasp will never be enough, but He is enough. So today, I'm grateful that my faith is devouring my desire to control situations that I can't control over my life or my children's lives. My clenched, white knuckled fist holding on and constantly trying to regrasp what can't be held by me, is now a hand that is wide open, fingers spread to it's fullest span, arm held high. And I'm learning to trust Him more. For this lesson, I'm so thankful. I'm joining Thankful Thursday today.

And by the way, she prayed the next night with absolutely no encouragement from us.

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30